


Bitter

by NeoSoul



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Fix-It, Healing, Hurt Dean Winchester, Mental Health Issues, Post-Season/Series 15, Recovery, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:08:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27833551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoSoul/pseuds/NeoSoul
Summary: Dean deals with the repercussions of existing as a Winchester.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 17





	Bitter

Chuck had fallen, Jack had decided to separate from the Winchesters, and they were safe.  
Dean couldn’t help but feel nothing. This wasn’t the ending he had predicted, nor had hoped for. There was still a gaping hole.  
This led Dean to do as much research on the Empty as possible. Pouring the absolute depression he felt into something a little more productive than alcoholism and food. With little payoff.  
Dean ended up trying to contact others, he yelled out for Cas in attempts to wake him up a second time. No avail.  
It was only with Jack’s help that Dean could even try to contact Cas - who had to then fight his way from the Empty, and eventually stumbled back through the bunker in the same state and the same room that he had left.  
Dean stood in the doorway, entirely exasperated. He hadn’t slept since he had contacted Jack, and spent his time pacing in the corridor - waiting for sound to be heard through the doors.  
The expression on his face was unrecognizable when he saw Cas back in the flesh, standing, and just as disheveled.  
They stood entirely dumbfounded, eyes on each other. No one spoke, nor did either feel they could speak. Dean’s heart dropped as Cas’s heart rate picked up.   
“I uh...welcome back.” Dean said, unsure of what else to say. His emotionally constipated brain didn’t quite understand how to reciprocate his own feelings. In hindsight, Cas probably felt just as bad.  
“How did you do it?” Cas asked, exasperated.   
“Jack was uh, he helped out.” Dean said, realizing that Cas wasn’t aware of the transfer of power.  
“And Chuck?” Cas asked, falling into a defensive mode.  
“Not going to be a problem anymore.” Dean said, and started to get closer, realizing it had been a week since he had last showered. One of the more embarrassing parts of his inability to cope. Cas found himself backing away, still terrified of Dean’s response.  
He was quite surprised when Dean just threw himself onto Cas in a hug. Not a bro hug, not a friendly hug, but a close hug. Dean pulling close with Cas hesitantly accepting, and held Dean’s head in his palm.  
“I love you.” Cas said quietly, making sure Dean heard it a second time.  
“I know.” Dean said. He was excited, and slightly too pleased with the reference. He was relieved to see Cas completely alive once again.  
“I understand that reference.” Cas said, and they released from each other.   
“You need a shower.” Dean said, jokingly.  
“Not to be rude Dean, but you too.” Cas said. Dean just ignored the comment, as they walked through the winding the hallways, and upwards to the main floor. Sam was chilling in the library, as Eileen wandered down the stairs, freshly showered.  
“Cas?” Sam said surprised. Dean had told Sam about what had happened - not the whole story, but Sam knew that Cas was in the Empty, and that it had wrecked Dean entirely.  
“I uh, pulled some strings. He’s good now.” Dean pointed out.  
“Congrats I guess.” Sam said, not knowing what else to say without sounding confused or insensitive.   
Dean found himself in an awkward position. Relieved to be with Cas, frankly, he had been entirely desperate for this moment - yet now he had to go back into hiding with his old coping mechanisms, knowing that someone was over his shoulder, and knew every small detail about his head.  
Somehow it felt like a challenge. Dean was not about to stop some of the only habits that gave him comfort.   
Cas had left to shower, and rinse the lasting effects of the Empty off of his body, and Dean found his only desire to consume the kitchen to be strong. Even with Cas back, the habit never left, and Dean was absolutely not going to give it up.  
Not that it had ever really gotten better. Dean had just picked up bad habits from his upbringing. The starvation to ensure Sam could eat, and then when he had food - the binging - to ensure he had food.  
When he had access to food, and it was moreso regular; the habit never left. He just started purging to keep himself in check.   
It started out of necessity, but ended up a habit, and then for the years to come - it faltered in and out, like a tide.  
It was bad now. Dean had absolutely binged and purged many times in the past week - far more than what was considered normal. No one seemed to notice, nor care. Which was absolutely due to the fact that he never really lost loads of weight. It was part of the curse that came with bulimia. He looked normal to the outside world, and even to Sam.  
Talk-about-your-feelings-car-therapy-Sam.  
Dean was honestly a little scared of his own ability to hide, knowing where it could lead to.  
But now, he was too far in to even considering stopping.  
Dean wandered into his room, as his stash of binge food tended to live in one of his dresser drawers.   
It was mindless. He just ate with no thought, consuming anything he could - as he channel surfed - so he couldn’t pay mind to the food until he awoke from the trance - which had him panicked.  
Cas was out of the shower, and Dean quickly snuck in. The shower was his best way of hiding the puking.  
Today was no exception. He quickly turned the water on, let it beat on his back, and he pressed his middle finger to the back of his throat. The puke drained through the sink, and he was always surprised with the way that he hadn’t clogged the drain system yet.  
Dean didn’t feel awful. His head pounded, but that was normal. His normal was a constant feeling of being ill.  
Dean couldn’t lie. He liked the way he felt - the ill feeling was also a high. A better high than any drug or alcohol could achieve.   
He stood with his back to the wall, the water beating down on his skin; he cherished the warmth, as he pulled himself up, and rid of the taste.  
It wasn’t the greatest of feelings, but he found it to be an acquired taste, and an addiction that he couldn’t really get away from.

**Author's Note:**

> another? Yeah  
> gotta do the ending justice w a focus on my BN Dean headcanon


End file.
